Of late, I have noticed that whenever I need to make a big decision and need more time to sit and tune into my heart’s desire to do so, fear arises and I choose to tune out instead. I tell myself I’m just going to watch one episode on Netflix, then I’ll meditate or do some gardening and tune into that decision. Most of the time however, this results in multiple episodes of my series, and no time for tuning in.
When you get home from a big day at work feeling exhausted, what you really need most is to tune in. A Shower or bath or swim to consciously wash away the day. Some quiet time for meditation or sitting outside in the garden or walking the dog at the park could all be nice ways to tune in.
Why is it then that what we often choose to do most is tune out? Is it a habit? Is it a learnt behaviour? Is it that we don’t really know how to tune in?
For me personally I believe it is a little bit of fear and a lot of self sabotage. I know that the better option for my health is to tune in. Just like I know how great I feel when I’m eating healthy food, going to bed at a regular time and exercising regularly. I know how great it feels when I meditate daily, especially when it’s at the same time daily. I know the answers come when I take the time to sit and ask them, and spend time listening for the reply. Alas I find myself in that self sabotage cycle of eating badly and tuning out. This past week I’ve noticed how strong that habit of tuning out can get, and how much of it is related for me personally to lack of self worth.
Today I pulled the Resilience card from my ‘Queen of the Moon Oracle’ deck that really resonated (don’t they always!) These lines in particular really stuck with me:
Making mistakes builds resilience. I have learnt my lessons from mistakes I have made. I am an adult and I act with self-responsibility. As we stretch and expand towards our intentions, we will most likely meet resistance, make mistakes and fail altogether. This is where resilience, confidence and our inner will come into play. How much do you really want what you are going for?
It’s nice to reframe things isn’t it? This made me want to move forward with kindness. Everything is a lesson. I’m bored of self sabotage. I’m bored of my weight fluctuating cos I can’t love myself enough. I’m bored of not giving myself enough credit. I’m bored of not seeing my true fabulous self. I’m bored of buying into bullshit societal norms. I’m bored of not giving myself enough credit for the phenomenal job I am doing at being human.
Discipline has never been my strong point. (Interesting side note they did a study on discipline and it turns out it’s not people that had very strict parents or very relaxed parents that were the most rebellious, it was the ones that had one strict parents and one relaxed parents because their boundaries were never properly defined – in my case very true.) I’m an adult now (yes I’m just realising this at 40!) so it’s time to take charge of my own discipline.
So, like everyone who has ever begun a diet or new exercise regime, I make a vowel “I start tomorrow”. Tonight I binge on Netflix and chocolate. Tomorrow I practice Yoga and clean my bathroom BEFORE breakfast. I wake up to my alarm at 6:30 and begin to make excuses. “Maybe I can do the later yoga class. Maybe I’ll clean my bathroom tomorrow?” And then I call it. “RUBBISH! Get up and do it, you are worth it.”
I’m pleased to say I listened and have been committed to working within a little more structure daily. I am incorporating self love rituals like reassuring myself when I get overwhelmed, and making time to consciously sit with my hands on my heart and tune in to what’s really going on, ask the questions and sit and listen for the answers.
Does this mean I won’t zone out again when I really need to tune in? Some lessons need to be learnt repeatedly, and I’m positive I’ll be learning this one again – as, let’s be honest, I have already learnt it 500,000 times.
Perhaps zoning out is a learnt behaviour. Perhaps sometimes we are not ready for the answers and zoning out is actually a safety mechanism? If this was the case for me then thank you Netflix and chocolate. You have served me well but now I choose to move forward. I choose to zone in, to hone in, to reconnect. I choose to Love myself enough to take that time to honour myself enough to embrace discipline, knowing that in the long run, it’s better for my health physically mentally and emotionally.
Next time you start to zone out, take a moment to recognise whether what you really need is to tune in.
Sending you lots of love and light wherever you are on your journey.