I feel alive!

I feel really alive!

Mid last lockdown I hit rock bottom depression. I recognise that place now. It’s not as terrifying as the first time I found myself there.

There is always the regret though. Why did I come back here if I know it’s such a dark place?

At least now I know my path out of the maze. Kinda.

It’s rough terrain. It took will power from beyond me. But I made it.

The path looked like this:
Exercise every morning 6.30 or 7am no excuses. Stop eating chocolate (again).
Nourish my temple with real fresh foods; ff it didn’t exist 100 years ago, don’t eat it.
Create a garden.

When we were finally set free, I emerged a butterfly. A smokin hot one too! I was ALIVE. I had muscles I’ve never seen before and honestly felt incredible.

Before long though, Xmas and holiday time were here. I adored time with family and friends, don’t get me wrong. That initial joy of no routine and time with people I love is bliss.

Then a few too many late nights, drinking alcohol and overeating made me feel rubbish again.

Not just rubbish, but pain. I have a sensitive little tummy, which is why I don’t usually drink, but I do love to join in over the festive season.
But the pain! Omg so not worth it!

To try to fix the pain in my stomach from drinking and overeating, I did more drinking and overeating! (Side note – it doesn’t work)

I still had a fabulous holiday, don’t get me wrong, but my vibrancy was fading.

Mid holiday, my two days at home before the next week of holiday, I got COVID19! Locked down again.

I had a mild case for which I was grateful, but it was still a shitty experience. I slept through most of it – and I never want to watch TV again from the amount I consumed, too exhausted to do anything else.

The first day I was allowed out, I went to the beach …. and pretty much hated every moment of it! I didn’t realise til my feet hit the sand, that I had ZERO energy to be there!

The aftermath of Covid seemed to linger like a bad smell in my house when I’ve emptied every bin, but it’s still there!

I felt like my personality had dissolved. I was a walking shell. Allowed to be back in the world and return to work, but with no drive, and vacant eyes.

Knowing others experience the so-called Covid haze, lethargy and brain fog, was encouraging. ‘It’s just part of the process. Be patient’ I told myself.

Action plan time again.

Try to be patient.
Get back to regular routine The Path (as above)
Strict bedtime and a nap every day.
More gardening.

I’m ridiculously thrilled to say I’m a butterfly again!

Each morning I take my coffee outside, plant my feet on the Earth and give so much thanks that I feel alive again!

I am in love with my garden. I am in love with my family. I am in love with my life. I don’t have enough work, I’m living week to week and yet I am exuberant!

I honestly can’t remember a time when I felt this grateful just to be alive. I LOVE IT.

And the best bit is, it’s all me. I did this. I deserve this. I am joy because I know pain.

The rollercoaster of life will always be. Nothing is permanent.

Consistency and hard work pays off. It just does! If you want it, really want it, you can have it…… but you gotta work for it, prove how much you want it. There will always be setbacks. You are worth more than to let them trick you into giving up.

The world NEEDS your light.

The world is loving mine.

I am loving feeling an integrated part of that oneness.

Will I ride this rollercoaster again? Probably.

Probably a million times.

Maybe each time will be a little easier to navigate.

Maybe not.

That’s life baby! A complex, unpredictable and thrilling experience.

One day at a time.


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