I can’t wait to be free! I can’t wait to see my friends again! I can’t wait to connect to people! I can’t wait to explore the world beyond my LGA, cleanse my body in the ocean.
BUT I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want my Covid kilos to be real. I don’t want people to see on the outside what I perceive to be a reflection of what I’m experiencing on the inside.
I work in the health and wellness industry where there is a certain preconception that I am both healthy and well all the time. The truth is everybody fluctuates.
Just like the cycle of the moon, we are in a constant state of movement, of learning, of discovery, of shining incredibly bright, and of dark nights.
If you are on a conscious path, you are constantly peeling back the layers of the onion to discover more. Those discoveries ultimately lead us closer towards enlightenment, but often not without a few steps back, a stumble forward, then a few steps back again. Mix that in with a little shame, guilt, and self sabotage, and you may find you have an explosion cocktail of wanting to stay hidden.
The question I am posing to myself is: Can I consciously choose to be more accepting of the fluctuations? Fluctuations of the mind, of energy, of image, of stability. For me it feels so easy to be in love with the bright, bubbly, energetic, fit, active me, and so incredibly difficult to sit with the energy of lethargy or introspection. Why is it so hard if I know it’s a constant flux? Why do I feel such shame for experiencing something so common?
I don’t want to be embarrassed about my body. I want to lose those Covid kilos quick smart before I am released into the world where they become real because they are seen. The truth is though, whatever my weight, I always think I’m fat. I see photographs and I remember the moment they were taken thinking “suck it in”, or “I wish I wasn’t so fat” or “if only I did this photo shoot a month ago when I looked hot.” No matter how small I have been, I have never been satisfied with how I look.
I have however been satisfied with how I feel! And that’s what I am choosing to move towards. I want to know my body is working at its optimum. I don’t want to feel sluggish and constipated from eating crap that is poisonous to my body and mind…and trust me when I say I’ve been eating a mammoth amount of crap; mostly chocolate – and not the fancy 85% Cocoa type, the sugar sugar sugar high type that is just total poison! I want to know my body is working at an optimal level. Especially moving forward into freedom where the spread of Covid will continue, I want to know my immune system is firing on all cylinders, and I am the one responsible for that.
By focusing on moving forward in this manner, perhaps I can ease the terror of being seen and increase my focus of being felt; my energy clearer and more radiant.
But regardless of what happens between now and then, I want to honour this moment in time. I want to be ok with all of the above because it’s real and true and fine! It is what I am experiencing at this moment and thus it is important to contemplate and allow myself to sit in that vulnerability.
If you see yourself reflected in my words, I feel you.
The light in me sees and honours the light in you.
You are fabulous darling, as am I.